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Well, looks like I'm down a parent now...
Some background: My father is a narcissistic, hateful, homophobic, racist, self-loathing, bigoted, gas-lighting prick. Growing up in a house where my mother, brother, and I were plagued by his emotional and psychological abuse is something I am glad you will never know the exact nature of. He puts on a social face that cover up how screwed up he is when he is with people close to him. It was always about being "normal" and liked by everyone else at all costs. If we strayed from his envisionment of who we had ought to be, we would be ridiculed, told we were insane, and screamed at. He would lie and deny the things he said and did, making us question our sanity. I was a tense, miserable kid and only found any room for self expression after leaving the house for college in 2013. I have avoided him ever since.
I originally came out three years ago to my mother, a close friend, and then my father. He called me brainwashed, a product of the media, and sinful. All of this was at a time where I was riddled with self-doubt and struggling with the years of internalized transphobia I had learned during my childhood. I also had yet to tell my partner of two years at the time, so coming out was the hardest thing I had ever done. He then said he refused to entertain the subject anymore and went on talking about the Colts. I was left feeling totally insane and at risk as I was still on his insurance. So, after days of crying, I decided that I was mistaken in my identity and that I would work to reclaim my masculinity as hard as I could.
The two years that followed were hands-down the most miserable, depressed, and terrifying of my life. My feelings about who I was would NOT disappear, and the steps I took in altering my body and behaviours only made the intensifying dysphoria build and build. I soon found myself to be just as self-loathing, miserable, and angry as my father had been before I said enough is enough.
I started transition for the second time almost a year ago, and have finally found the peace within myself to live my life proudly and wholly. It felt like coming up from being submerged under water for 23 years. The progress was slow, but I am finally starting to see glimpses of myself for who I a really am - and I like what I see! I kept my father out of the loop for a while. He was one of the last to know, and I can assure you that some of the things he said when he found out would appall you. For instance, "So, does this mean you like it in the butt!? 😠" I kid you not. That was his first question he had about my transition. Sigh...
I don't know why I attempted to keep him in my life. I didn't need him. I'm successfully living full time with my changed name. I am loved and supported by my mom (who divorced him for apparent reasons), her side of the family, my wonderful friends, my amazing brother, and my coworkers. I have a great job with health insurance. I have resources and support, and fantastic prospects for passing consistently in the near future. But I still wanted to have a normal relationship with my dad; despite the fact that when he is not shunning me, he is questioning my identity and telling me that I more likely have "underlying psychological issues that this will not resolve." Again, gas-lighters gonna gaslight. The dude literally shrieks when I say I have been to counseling and that he might benefit from seeing a psychiatrist.
Anyways, this all came down to a boiling point last night. My FFS is in two weeks (!!!!) and I have been nothing other than thrilled and happy. Family, friends, and work are all doing their part to support me in the planning of the recovery process, but what did my father do? Last night he sent me a long text begging me to "reconsider this unnatural and dangerous process" and that this "is not normal" and that "nobody will accept this identity."
I had given him room to process, and this was not the first time I have dealt with his nonsense. I will tell you though, that it was the last. I told him that he could either be in my life and respect me as an adult, or not at all - acceptance aside. I admittedly was very harsh on him and called him miserable and said, "Greg. I don't even hate you. I won't give you that. I honestly just feel sad for you." I'm so over him. I have no room for that kind of negativity in my life, and will not allow myself to be derailed from my journey to happiness by his hatred a second time.
So here I sit, in a total funk, feeling completely unwilling to work. But something I do not feel is regret. I have too much to be happy and excited about right now to dwell on him. Just wanted to share. I know that paternal issues are common among the community. You're not alone, believe me.
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Give yourself: 0 = does not fit, 0.5 = partially fits, 1 = fits
Each function in each position can get up to 3 points.
What is Si? It's called Si-mulation. This may be confusing. For me, simulation is simulating different ideas, possibilities and scenarios which is actually Ne. But Si-mulation there is internalized, subejctive reality. This may mean past experience or internal sensations. Everyone has it, just they use it in different ways.
Si-dominant: ISTJ ISFJ
- Do you call yourself the caretaker of reality?
- Do you tend to already have an answer for the new thing WITHOUT seeing/experiencing it first? (Does NOT mean that if you see a new food and it looks disgusting to you, you may not like it. Because you have SEEN/experienced that view. It's because you don't feel any need to experience the new.)
- Do you always relate the new thing to something similar and choose the familiar one?
- Are you driven to make a difference in the environment?
- Do you combine multiple internalized realities and fit them into the whole?
- Do you use internalized reality as a tool?
- Do you like adding parts into your internal reality?
- Do you use internal reality for comfort?
- Do you always investigate the reality carefuly and make judgments of it?
- Do you doubt yourself a lot?
- Do you worry about your bodily functions/health/diseases?
- Does your internal reality/sensations sometimes surprise you?
- Do you sometimes think something is missing in the reality?
- Do you always experiment with the reality?
- Do you always need to observe before making judgments?
- Do you need others to follow established methods?
- Do you have a timeless or antique vibe?
- Do you get annoyed easily by unpredictable people?
- Do you think we should not be stuck in the past?
- Do you rely too much on conventional wisdom for health?
- Do you repeat mistakes a lot?
- Do you use internal reality to get a vision?
- Do you like to see what lies behind?
- Is your senses unreliable?
What is Se? It's the awareness of the reality. They don't internalize the reality, they want to experience it in real time. Se users are opportunistic and proactive. they prefer stimulation over structure. They shape the reality rather than the other way around.
Se-dominant: ESTP ESFP
- Do you always feel a need to take action right now?
- Do you feel capable of just doing anything you put your mind to?
- Are you likely to put blame on an unseen obstacle when things go wrong?
- Do you like to always do things within your framework to the point of rebellion?
- Do you do things to not end up bad?
- Do you conserve energy for when it's the time to mobilize?
- Are you fascianted about your ability to get things done?
- Are you focused on your goals?
- Do you like to use your resources to the max?
- Do you see failure as a weakness?
- Are you self-defeating?
- Are you sometimes oblivious to the physical world?
- Are you heavily reliant on your internal reality system?
- Do you think the world is unchangeable?
- Do you think that sensory experience will behave exactly the way you know it would?
- Do you tend to tire yourself a lot?
- Do you think there's so much to do and so little time?
- Do you have moments that you sometimes relax, then you are up?
- Do you resent being forced to do anything that you didn't plan in advance?
- Do you think taking risks can be both terrible and transformative?
- When you are finally doing something, do you become distressed?
- Do you have trouble doing things alone? (Doesn't include sedentary or stationary hobbies)
- Do you love getting others to action?
- Do you like sedentary or stationary hobbies?
What is Ni? It's your subjective abstraction. You gather information from the outer world and you attribute a meaning into it. It's more like the abstract connections than a recreation of reality.
Ni-dominant: INTJ INFJ
- Are you refered as an "envisioner"?
- Do you always try to predict what's going to happen?
- Do you fit abstract connections together to get one holistic view of the world?
- Do you have visions to improve the world?
- Do you like furthering your specific visions?
- Do you always find a way out in your plan?
- Do you see the future as unchangeable by choices?
- Are you individualistic?
- Do you despair against uselessness and take action when the opportunity arises?
- Do you refuse to do something because of the bad consequences?
- Do you fall prey to conspiracy theories?
- Do you think actions have no connections?
- Do you favor curiosity over prediction?
- Do you live your life based on the power of exception?
- Is your attention span short?
- Do you have strong feelings about how things will turn out?
- Do you have trouble taking action to prevent or change that outcome?
- Do you actively challenge your and others' assumptions?
- Are you disniterested in the meaning of the world?
- Do you always focus on immediate things?
- Do you see little to no reasons to change an already working system?
- Are you prepared for every occasion?
- Do you use the past to predict the future?
- Do you tend to be stubborn and disliking variety?
What is Ne? It's about perceiving possibilities, ideas and scenarios in any situation, object or even memory. It's branistorming, memes, creativity.
Ne-dominant: ENTP ENFP
- Do you have a hard time making and sticking to decisions because you see so many options? (You may use randomizers like number generators to save yourself)
- Do you see more questions when you find more answers?
- Do you tend to have doubts about things and still try to see if the other option was better?
- Do you have a wide range of interests?
- Do you have very clear boundaries but still like to explore possibilities?
- Do you like to build worlds and simulate experiences?
- Do you like to have maintenance over the world and your lifestyle?
- Do you like to relax while stimulating your mind?
- Do you like to do the same thing for a long time?
- Do you think possibilites are useless?
- Are you really a specialist?
- Do you like limited and structured options?
- Do you fit possiblities inside your abstract framework?
- Do you re-evaluate when you don't see a connection?
- Do you always try to find that "one best possibility"?
- Do you benefit from the brainstorming activities?
- Do you get too focused on one facet of a project?
- Do you like to use possibilities for its pragmatic potential?
- Do you get very distressed when things don't go your way?
- Do you like having decisions already laid out for you to act on?
- Are you confident in your decisions?
- Do you like to see new experiences?
- Do you like a lot of stimulations?
- Do you like having a lot of conversations?
What is Ti? It's the fact checker or the logic. It's your subjective logic system so the facts are only true for yourself.
Ti-dominant: INTP ISTP
- Do you hesitate to make judgments, prefering instead to investigate carefully?
- Do you distrust others' or mainstream forms of logic?
- Are you likely to concede points if an accurate statement was made but tell how it's wrong in the bigger picture?
- Can you follow complex rule sets to point out the discrepancies?
- Do you play with the logical frameworks in your favor?
- Do you tend to forget which rule belongs to which system, being stuck in the webs?
- Are you too reliant on your own subjective logic?
- Do you have a natural curiosity for puzzles, problem solving, etc.?
- Do you always exclude outer input?
- Do you aspire for logical relevancy?
- Do you prioritize feelings over logic?
- Do you rely on others' opinions more than your logic?
- Do you prefer efficiency above accuracy?
- Are you impatient about learning how to do something, prefering to read a guide instead?
- Do you tend to be somewhat dishonest?
- Do you always notice and point out the mistakes?
- Do you have a hard time not coming out as a perfectionist?
- Is your life full of checking for errors?
- Do you use logic about the bigger picture but not about details?
- Do you become nitpicky and obsessive under stress?
- Are you dependent on outer sources for details?
- Do you fact check your feelings?
- Do you dislike misrepresentation of identity? (like mistyping)
- Do you try to understand something before calling it truth?
What is Te? It's the user of the facts and data. It likes to get things dome as quickly as possible. They prefer efficiency and productivity over accuracy and precision. Quantity over quality.
Te-dominant: ENTJ ESTJ
- Can you implement things in reality easily?
- Do you have a no-nonsnese approach?
- Do you have a taste for self-improvement?
- Do you feel the need for the frameworks to be applied in the real world?
- Do you need evidence before believing something?
- Do you like compiling and presenting data?
- Do you rely too much on the right way?
- Are you impatient about figuring out on your own? (At least with practical, day-to-day tasks)
- Do you like everyone to use the right way?
- Do you sometimes reject group think?
- Are you a bit black and white?
- Do you tend to disregard common acceptance?
- Do you have a great handle on the best way to do something, or knowing what everyone else will do, or what you should/shouldn't be doing instead of the things that you are doing?
- Is there something fishy about the accepted way?
- Do you usually tell someone that what they think doesn't matter in the long run?
- Do you like to hear a lot of ideas?
- Do you think about the effect of the falsehood on the truth?
- Are you kinda busy even when you are not doing busywork?
- Do you reject outer facts and data?
- Do you think scientific studies are faulty enough?
- Do you rely too much on your logical explanation?
- Are you hard pressed to use efficiency even if you are bad at it?
- Do you hate sacrificing beliefs and morals for completion?
- Are you plagued by stress-based maladies?
What is Fi? It's your internal rating system. It helps you to make connections between you and other people and objects. If you're rating something on a scale, you're using Fi. These scales are completely subjective and they may take forms like Glitchure Index on mine rather than using the objective ones like Kilograms.
Fi-dominant: INFP ISFP
- Do you always fight for your right?
- Do you let other people guided by themselves?
- Do you hate intruding on others' spaces?
- Do you use your subjective scales/rating systems to get the fill of the world?
- Do you like persuading people to push the limits?
- Do you like giving some of your personal information to people? (Definitely not your password, national ID; more like your values and emotions)
- Are you very focused on being right?
- Do you need confirmation from others?
- Do you lose sight of what you genuinely care about?
- Do you despise subjectivity?
- Do you rely more on facts than feelings?
- Do you slam anyone being bİg on personal opinions?
- Do you like to fit in rather than standing out?
- Do you value politeness over personal desire?
- Do you lose your self often because you'r so content with others?
- Do you tend to be opinionated?
- Do you firmly disagree anything not approved by others' feelings?
- Do you let people to do their right thing based on your feelings?
- Do you struggle with creating relationships?
- Do you outright reject subjective rating systems?
- Do you only rely on others' feelings and not yours?
- Do you logically check your feelings?
- Is your rating system very based on logic?
- Are you logically introspective?
What is Fe? It's the function of collectivism. Fe likes to use agreed behavior to create harmony. They like politeness more than personal desire. If you're taking care of others' feelings, you're using Fe.
Fe-dominant: ENFJ ESFJ
- Are you big on creating harmony?
- Do you pick up on others' feelings?
- Are you big on acceptable behavior?
- Are you a bit too accommodating?
- Are you the validator?
- Do you like helping and nurturing a lot?
- Do you attempt to be playful?
- Do you have sadistic tendencies?
- Do you like to express yourself a lot?
- Do you sometimes reject harmony?
- Do you view politeness with suspicion?
- Do you like to be the lone wolf?
- Do you like harmony but prioritize personal desire?
- Do you like to do whatever feels right to you?
- Do you have a strong sense of authentic ethics?
- Do you sometimes look cheerful even if you're not cheerful or even distracted?
- Are you eager to influence people?
- Are you a bit too apologetic?
- Do you reject emotional harmony, prefering to use data instead?
- Are you the one who can't fathom being nice at the cost of inner peace?
- Do you delight in others' pain?
- Do you see harmony as a tool?
- Do you have a hold of tough love?
- Are you a bit demanding?