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My abuser has found me on social media MAJOR TW: sexual abuse, grooming
When I was 15, I met a guy in an online chat room. He told me he was 17, I thought he was cute, and we started Skyping. Later that night, he told me he was actually 22 but that I was “so pretty and didn’t want to freak me out”. He was so generous with his compliments, showed interest in what I cared about, wrote me songs that he would play for me. Of course, at 15, I was obsessed with him. I though he was perfect and that we were soul mates despite the age difference and that when I went to college, we would officially be together.
TW for the rest of this post ((again, please please don’t read this if you’re triggered by sexual abuse))
Things became sexual pretty immediately. I had never been paid so much attention to, especially by an older man. We talked every night. He would ask me to do extremely inappropriate things that a man should never ask a 15 year old girl to do. And I would. And he would tell me what he would do to me in person, how he wanted to fly to see me, and book a hotel room. We spoke for three years, every night. Every night it was the same thing and every night, I would always do what he wanted. He always was the one to initiate but it didn’t matter because I was “in love”. Sometimes I would casually date some kid in my grade but he would still always be around. A lot of this is really vivid to me but some of it I forget. It’s been 10 years now. Somewhere along the line we stopped talking. I never told anyone what happened. I never felt like a victim or a survivor, I felt like I had consented even though I carried so much shame and would never talk to anyone about it.
A year ago, 2019, I get an instagram DM. It’s him and he’s asking how I’m doing. Immediate panic attack. I answered, trying to see what the hell he wanted. No acknowledgement of what happened between us, no apology, no “I was wrong to pursue you as a 22 year old man”. I don’t even know. It bothers me still. He sometimes responds to my stories. I don’t know why I don’t block him. I don’t know if it’s just getting older but I’m way past the age he was when he first started talking to me and I cannot IMAGINE doing what he did. It sickens me. Part of me wants to destroy his life. I want to send him a message saying “don’t think I’ve forgotten what you did. I will always be around and I want you to live with that fear”. Part of me feels like it’s my fault and that I missed my opportunity to say something. I have zero proof and zero evidence. It was all online, he never actually did anything in person to me and I’m lucky for that. So many people aren’t that lucky. So why the hell is this still constantly buzzing in the back of my brain, a whole decade later?
Thanks for listening.