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Abandon My Mother For Your Mistress? Watch As You Lose Everything You Worked For.

This is a very long story so I'll include a TL:DR at the end. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

The Background:
Midway through my senior year at college, my father got the privilege of opening the first plant in China when his company was granted permission. He was getting everything and I mean *everything*; business class on airfare, a penthouse, recognition in the company for being effectively in charge of the project, mingling with the higher ups in the company, the works. This was exciting news for him because he was close to retirement and it seemed that his hard work was finally paying off. My mom was happy because now with my younger brother starting college and me about to graduate, she and her husband of over 30 years could enjoy their "empty nest" (she loves us dearly but she called my father her soulmate and wanted to spend their golden years together).
However...things turned upside down in less than a year.
Maybe the power went to his head.
Maybe he was overwhelmed and stressed out with having to start a new life in a new country.
Or maybe it brought out the ugliness that was already in his soul, I have no clue.
I finished my senior year around Christmas time...only to see my father pack up his bags and leave us, saying he didn't want to be married to my mom anymore and was seeing someone else. To say the rug had been pulled out from under our feet was an understatement. It was like everything we had ever known had imploded.
My father left us shortly before Christmas and we started putting the pieces back together. I started working two jobs and slipping money into my mom's wallet because I was terrified my father would cut off our money. It was during this time we started therapy and all three of us came to the realization that this man had been emotionally, verbally and financially abusing us for years. It's something I'm still trying to work through and I doubt I'll ever fully recover.
Come springtime, my father had a change of heart. He contacted us and started making amends. Something in me was suspicious and held back but I was happy because Mom was happy. She had lost a lot of weight, was crying constantly and was all in all miserable.
He returned home for a two week vacation and then proposed a "third honeymoon" if you will. He and Mom would return to China to "work things out". My brother and I were staying back home as we were both busy with work and school. Mom and Father left us with some important numbers to call in case of an emergency, the email address of my father's immediate supervisor (whom I'll call Stan) and weekly Skype sessions so we could stay in touch. Mom and Father left for China and it seemed that everything would work out.
Two weeks later, it was time for our weekly Skype session. The first week had been fine and my brother and I were expecting to hear another good report.
Instead of that, Mom was alone, her eyes swollen and her face red.
I immediately went into Mama Bear mode and asked my mom in a voice that probably scared my brother and Mom "What happened?"
Mom, crying, tells us that after making the rounds with the higher ups, my father had packed his bags, told her he was going to Shanghai for two weeks with his girlfriend and then told Mom "I want you gone by the time I get back."
Mom, floored by this, asked him "How?"
Father: "I don't care how."
Then he left my mother in the penthouse with little food, no clean water to drink (we had been warned to never drink the water in China because it was nasty to say the least) and no way to navigate through a country where she didn't speak the language or get a way home.
She said "I think he was using me to look good at work. Everyone was saying they were glad we were working out our problems."
When I heard that; my fury boiled. I am fiercely protective of my family and friends. You can do whatever you want to me, but make any of my family members or friends cry and you'll learn why it's a bad idea to pick on them.
As much as I wanted to fly over to China, track down my father and his mistress and make them feel every ounce of pain that my mother was feeling....I knew that wasn't a smart or practical idea. Instead, I'd have to embarrass him so everyone knew what a scumbag he is.
And an idea came to mind.

The Plan

After getting the information I needed from Mom and calming her down, I worked on the first part of my plan; bringing Mom home. I didn't have any money nor did I have a visa to visit. However, I did have Stan's email.
Using the skills I honed for my Creative Writing and General Business studies, I wrote a lengthy email to Stan, crying over the keyboard as I drafted it. I explained who I was, what was going on and that I was worried for Mom. I asked him to please help me find a way to reach my Mom and bring her home. I promised him that I would repay every penny, even if it took the rest of my life. I added my personal email and phone number as a finishing touch and asked him to contact me if he had any questions. After making sure it was perfect (a key lesson from my C.W. professor; make sure your writing is razor sharp), I sent it off along with a prayer that it would work.
Stan never did return my email. But 24 hours later, Mom was safely home. I learned that Stan had gotten in contact with my mom within an hour of me sending the email, verified everything that had happened and gotten her home on the first flight. I sent him another email thanking him for helping us and told him I would repay the expense when I could. That time he did respond and said "It's all right, thank you though."
That was the extent of our conversation but I am still very grateful to him for helping Mom, out of his own pocket if I'm not mistaken. He's earned my respect and I hope, wherever he is, he's doing well.
When Mom got home, it sunk in for us that the marriage was truly over and we made plans to move on. They were divorced within a year and we moved to Florida for a fresh start maybe a few years later. Mom found the new love of her life (who I call my stepdad), is working her dream job (something that never would've happened under my father) and is happier than I've seen her in a long time. My brother and I both are making our way in the world and finding ourselves after spending our lives as our father's perfect children.
As time passed, I actually forgot about the email...until recently when Mom and I were talking about Stan and she revealed what had happened.

The Aftermath

I was just hoping to humiliate my father...instead my email launched massive legal and financial headaches for my father.
Right after helping my mom get home, Stan decided that my father's behavior was worrying (because if he's using his wife to hide the fact he has a mistress, what else is he hiding?) and started an investigation into my father. What he learned was mind-blowing. Not only was his mistress one of his subordinates (which is *strictly* against company rules for reasons I can't remember) but he had *another* mistress on the side. Both of whom he was plying with expensive gifts and vacations to name a few.
But that wasn't the topper.
What was was evidence that my father might've been embezzling money from the company during his time in China. However, for reasons that I don't know, criminal charges were out of the question. Instead, what they did to him (my father no doubt thinks) was even worse.
My father was immediately demoted and sent home. His name was removed from the factory he had built and his mistresses fired.
Now, with this company, most of the promotions come not from what you know but who you know. And since Stan knows many people....
Eventually, my father was forced to retire early before they fired him. He decided he had been discriminated against and tried to sue the company for unlawful termination. However, the evidence against him was overwhelming and he lost.
Now he's disgraced, hated by nearly everyone and with limited contact with his family and friends. He's still convinced that he's an innocent victim and that time will prove him right. But everyone knows the truth.
Do I feel guilty about helping to bring down my father?
I'll let Montresor's motto be my answer; Nemo me impune lacessit.
TL:DR. Father leaves my mother for his mistress. One email from me results in his dirty laundry being exposed and he's left jobless, friendless and without any loved ones.
submitted by HCA2001 to NuclearRevenge

Dday 2 after 8 years (same affair)

TL;DR: Sometimes it takes many years for a WS to really understand the extent of the damage they have done and finally begin to repair it meaningfully.

When the first Dday happened in 2012, this amazing sub did not exist. I really wish it had, as I spent countless sleepless nights searching the internet for answers, to little avail. At the time, my WS and I were not married, but we had been together for a little over 4 years, living together for 3 of them, and we had just moved into a new place. Little did I realize that as we were moving she was beginning an affair with a coworker. It went on for 4 months or so before I caught her red-handed. She had asked me to help her with her computer (I am more tech-savvy) and I found she was gmail chatting some of the most intimate and grotesque sexting (far more graphic than anything she had ever done with me) I had ever seen, with a coworker. that included very specific details about her sexuality (she squirts!). I was understandably devastated, confronted her immediately, and in my shame and distress I let her blame it all on me, gaslight me, deny most of what had actually happened (she made me believe it was all just online, with a few skype videochats), when in reality they had also been on several dates with various physical incidents and had a ONS (hence how he knew she squirts). I wouldn't find out about the truth of this for 8 years.
In the intervening years I thought we had reconciled, but we never had. I left her for like 2 days, but my friend accidentally took me back to where we had first met, and it didn't help, and I crawled back to her. I realize now how fucked up it was that I, the BS, crawled back to the WS who was actively engaged in gaslighting, denial, emotional manipulation, and just the general defensive playbook freshly found out WS's can fall into. I believed her that it was my fault for the affair, and took that shame and internalized it. I swallowed my knowledge that there was definitely more (none of what she claimed made sense on paper, and I knew she had managed to delete some texts before I got a hold of her phone), and moved on. We both just swept it under the rug.
This lack of self-respect and self esteem became my life for the next 8 years. She would ask me to reasonably participate in our relationship (clean up around the house mostly) and I generally flatly refused to do anything in that regard, out of an unconscious spite that I refused/could not bring myself to look at plainly. At first I would think "you cheated on me so its ok if I punish you by making you do all the housework." But I quickly forgot the reason for my knee-jerk resentment, just swept the reason behind it under the rug until it became reflexive and without thought, and I began internalizing my failure to help as a personal problem. I assumed I couldn't bring myself to participate in our relationship because I was bad, dumb, wrong, awful, sexist, not because I had been denied the truth and healing I so desperately needed. Through this fog I would sometimes have good days, weeks, even almost years! We eventually got engaged, then married, and now have two wonderful small children. There were a lot of really great times and I definitely pulled a lot of weight in many important areas.
But I still wasn't the partner I should have been, or the father. I was there emotionally, and in person, but my heart wasn't there 100%. It was there nearly 100% of the time for my children, but I would allow myself to neglect my spouse often, and I still didn't do enough around the house to truly make it the place it should have been for kids. It wasn't "call CPS," but I wish there were fewer dishes in the sink all the time, less dirt on the floors that didn't get swept enough, less recycling piled up until garbage night, hampers that weren't always overflowing. My rug-swept depression kept me in bed an extra hour or 3 when I should have been getting up to help my wife with the babies sometimes. And I used this unconscious spite at my partner's unresolved betrayal as the fuel for my slothful cowardice. This is all hindsight, I wish I could have seen it and changed it before. The shame that weighs on me for these failings, even though I understand them now and have corrected my behavior, will likely stay with me forever.
Then, one random night when I had brought a bottle of wine home on a weeknight, we accidentally got a little tipsy after the kids had gone to bed and were having one of our wonderfully long, rambling conversations. Somehow the old affair came up obliquely and I asked gently and jokingly if she had actually fucked the guy, and she said "yes." Queue Dday 2 (about 2 months ago). It would take the next several weeks for the trickle truth of the whole thing to finally come to light, but I think (I HOPE! as I was lied to for 8 years I still have plenty of trust issues with her) I have as much of the story as it is possible to get 8 years later.
So after several weeks of flailing to recover, I finally started finding resources like this sub, that helped me find the words and the tools to show her just how wrong she has been for the last 8 years about us, and how to fix it. To her credit, in the aftermath of the 1st dday she had gone to IC and and went NC with the AP immediately (quit her job immediately too so they never could see each other again there). But that is all the credit she gets, because otherwise she did a lot of harm with deliberate lies, minimizing, victim blaming, and it all contributed to preventing my healing. She now realizes just how bad all her subsequent behavior has been (she thought just stopping the affair was all that needed to happen, other than the IC I insisted upon, which she credits with turning her whole life around forever, so thats a plus), and that she really needs to change her headspace and actively participate in my healing this time around.
So now things seem to be starting to actually get better. It was amazing how after the truth came out I had no trouble working hard on our household in a way I had always really held back from before. It had always felt like an impossibly high wall to climb, stretching to the heavens, and then I woke up one day to find I could step over it easily, almost without effort, since it was really no more than a few inches tall, not miles. I am so proud of what I have accomplished in the last month or so, and I really feel the changes I've made to myself are here to stay. I am living the life I always wanted for myself but didn't know how to find. I just wish it didn't come with the pricetag of infidelity, gaslighting, 8 years of depression and confusion and no self-respect.
I initially wanted to write this post to give hope to those BS who are still feeling like their WS isn't on board with their healing, but it just became my story. It can take a really long time for reconciliation to actually happen, and we still have a LOONG way to go, but now that she is onboard, and actively participating, there is so much more future in front of me, so much more hope. I know now that our best days are ahead, not behind.
So don't lose hope. If your WS is still around, there is a good chance they really do still want to be with you, more than anything else, even if they don't have the tools or the understanding right now to do their side of the healing journey. It may take many years for them to be able to reckon with their own infidelity themselves.
Fight for yourself, BS. You are not to blame, it is not your fault no matter what, and it is up to your WS to do their side of the work (which includes admitting their sole responsibility for the cheating itself) if they really want to reconcile. Be strong, for yourself, and make sure they don't hide behind the wrong types of behavior. Confront them with the resources here (maybe I'll make a list of the ones that were helpful to us and post it later), and if they really want to reconcile they will eventually find their way to the light, but their side of the journey is hard too in its own ways. Be compassionate, but don't settle for 8 years of lies. Separate for awhile if they don't understand this, I very much wish I had in hindsight, even though I didn't want to leave her then or now. I'm happy I stuck it through, but I wouldn't wish this kind of timeline on anyone.
submitted by monomanius to AsOneAfterInfidelity

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